Sunday, August 14, 2011


I've learned a lot about hospital life in the past eleven days. In some ways it's sort of the opposite of life at home. Days are easier than nights, and weekdays are far more bearable than weekends. My emotions run high or low with very little middle ground, so it's easier to become overwhelmed. I'm essentially trapped in my bed, dependent on others for most things and isolated from the outside world, so having the right nurse is everything. It's a unique situation, but for the most part I've adapted enough to make it work... most days anyway.

Yesterday was hard, probably the hardest day since the day I was admitted. It was cloudy outside, and since Kevin spent much of the day sleeping, I spent much of the day alone with my thoughts. I never cease to be thankful that I'm here where I know I'm as safe as can be, but during those hours of staring out at the dreary day it was hard not to think about the unfairness of it all. The vast majority of pregnancies are relatively uncomplicated, and of the women that do experience complications, only a very small number will be faced with this sort of extended hospitalization. Many of those hospital stays are caused by things the women could have prevented had they followed their doctors' orders earlier, but in my case, there's nothing I could have done differently. I would never ever EVER consider not doing what my doctors say, so I have no desire to leave this bed... but sometimes I wish I could just be one of those average women who doesn't have to worry every time she moves.

My nurse came in yesterday at a particularly low moment, and after crying with me for a few minutes, she cheered me up. She told me how great I'm doing so far, even on the hard days, and how sure she is that I'm going to get more good news on Tuesday because I DO follow the rules. Then in another reminder of just how different things are now, she encouraged me by pointing out that if we reach our first goal of 28 weeks with no progression, I'll probably get wheelchair privileges (occasionally someone could push me downstairs to go outside) which would mean Maggie could visit. It's the sort of thing that's only encouraging in a very specific situation, but for yesterday it was the perfect thing to bring a smile to my face. She stayed and chatted with me for almost half an hour until I was feeling less overwhelmed by reality, and by the time she left I was ready to face another long night. It's too bad she can't just be here every day...

I'm excited for tomorrow when I know things will get easier again. Today has been totally fine, but when all the rest of you are back at work tomorrow my job will seem great! For now I'm holding onto the fact that because I'm here, Tate is still safe and healthy. This may not be fun, but it will be worth it.

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