Monday, August 8, 2011

Adapting to my New "Normal"

Day five is almost over.

Just saying that is a little surreal. I should have spent today getting ready to go back to work, but instead I'm almost a week into an indefinite hospital stay with no idea what's going to happen next. The weirdest part is that this already feels normal.

My hospital room is becoming vaguely homey, and I'm settling into a routine. The course of the day is all determined by the time I spend hooked up to fetal monitors as soon as I wake up. If baby is behaving, I'm free to start my day. If there's any sign of a problem, I stay on the monitors until things settle down. Those first 30 minutes are the most stressful of all, but once the doctor gives the all clear the weight is lifted... at least most days, at least for awhile.

Today the anxiety never totally left. While this has become familiar and far less scary than the first miserable 24 hours, it's just starting to sink in that "no bad news" is about as good as it's going to get. I think I want someone to sound hopeful that five days in everything is still going well, but the reality is that things could change at any moment, without any notice. I have to find hope in getting no bad news, and today that didn't feel like enough.

But, at least for now, we're one day closer to the ultimate goal and only one day away from 26 weeks, and although I'm not feeling quite as peppy, I'm thankful that tomorrow I get to do this all again.

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