In general I'm a pretty cheerful patient. My two main nurses call me "Sunshine," and for once it actually fits... until I hit a wall. The past few days that's happened a lot, and this afternoon was no exception. I'd hoped for better news this morning, and after a few hours of contemplating the news I actually got, I was feeling overwhelmed with knowing that after a week filled with uncertainty I'll have to do this all again next Tuesday.
And then, just like every other time I've thought I couldn't do this for one more minute, God provided an out. Last Tuesday it was a surprise sono. Saturday it was a nurse who took the time to chat with a woman she barely knows. Today it was a mom and three of my former students who arrived with flowers, cards, and cookies along with their precious smiles.
By the time they left I felt refreshed and ready to do this for another week, but about an hour later I was surprised again by one of the girls from the small group I lead at church with notes from my group and sweet verses she had written down for me to read when I get scared. Then not too long after that another Bumblebee showed up with her mom. The day that started out to be discouraging turned out to be one of the best so far, filled with children I adore.
I haven't always believed that God is truly faithful and often struggle to accept that I really matter to Him, but when I look at how the past three weeks have played out, it's harder to argue my point. Nothing about this situation is fun, but Tate and I are safe. Yes, it's hard to be me right now, but every time I think I can't do it anymore, He provides a way to get through, even if it's as small as a kick to remind me why I keep going. I would have preferred He keep us safe in a different way (like perhaps a normal pregnancy), but He's been faithful in big ways even though this is hard.
My nurse will be here any minute with my last meds of the day, so day 13 is almost over. Tomorrow Tate will be 27 weeks and still hanging out in my belly... on August 4 we never thought we'd make it this far.